Tripping Over Myself

I went to bed last night disappointed in myself for not doing a thing I really wanted to do. And as I lay in bed thinking about it, I realized… with all of the growth I've done over the past few years, there's still one thing, one impulse I have that… Well, I think normally people see it as a positive… I think you see it as a positive. And so I don't want to get rid of it, but… I need to be able to push past it from time to time.

And that's my inclination to not bother people. Unassuming, you called me. You're right. It's not really a thing I try to do, I'm not sure how I got to be the way I am, but here I am…

I wanted to message you last night. I had a thing. Nothing big, nothing exciting, just… a little thing, just to keep the momentum going. Don't worry, you didn't miss much, and I mean, I still have it, so it'll still happen, just… I wanted to do it last night. But I didn't want to bother you, so I kept watching for your green dot… because… 🤷‍♂️ Because I didn't want to bother you, and it would feel less intrusive if I knew you were just looking at Facebook… But I never did see it, not while I was free to message you.

Silly. I would always welcome a message out of the blue from you, no matter what I was doing.

It's funny, the other day she was talking about a single friend of hers and their experience with dating apps. And she goes “If we ever broke up, you'd probably use Bumble, don't you think?” To which I shrugged, because I haven't got a clue. I don't intend to ever use any dating app at all, I already know exactly who I want to spend my life with… So I don't know anything about any of them. Well, she told me that the key feature is that the women make the first move. She said “You'd probably like that, because you don't like bothering people.”

Hm. There's a lot about me that she gets wrong (the whole The Sims thing from the other night, for example… but that's another story), but I think she's got me there.

So. New personal growth goal: Keep my overall attitude, which has largely worked for me and which I am mostly happy with. But learn to push myself past it when it makes sense to. Like it would have last night. I don't want to fuck this up because I'm too unassuming.

Try to make myself believe that I'd be no more bothering you than you'd be bothering me. Just… shift the balance a bit, in my head.

I'll be working on it.

Yours,
♒️