Loving Out Loud

I want to love you out loud, so, so badly. I want to yell it from the rooftops, show it to you in my day-to-day actions. I want to comment on every single astonishing new profile photo “Oh my god, how are you so incredibly beautiful?” I want to say it to you every night, the last thing I do before I go to sleep - and not just in my head like I do now. I want to make it escape your lips as the breath flows involuntarily from your lungs while the sea level rises, just a touch, as often as you'll let me.

I want the world to know that I love you. But mostly, I want you to know… to know that I love you.

But we aren't there, not yet. Things have finally started moving in that direction for me. Slowly. But momentum is building.

But, an understanding has been reached: You and I are friends. You are, sad as this may sound, my best and closest friend outside my family. I have been open and honest about the fact that you and I have been chatting. I may not have shared each of the songs we've passed back and forth, but I have brought up every potential concert. She's suspicious, and rightfully so, but I've never questioned any of her many male friends. And she remains the only one of us to have actually crossed the lines.

But I made a decision yesterday. It may not be the right one. I may come to regret it someday. I may end up deciding it was a mistake and reconsider. But, for now…

I might not be able to love you out loud yet, not in all the ways I want to… But I am going do so, anyways — platonically. I'm not going to give those astonishing photos heart reactions (or shock reactions — after all, twelve years in, and I'm still constantly amazed by your beauty…), but if you post something that touches this geeky old heart, then I won't shy away from commenting on it anymore. And if we run into each other on the street, and it seems like you and I are the ones dominating the conversation as sometimes happens, I will no longer worry what the others think of it. Can they really complain about us talking about the trials and tribulations of raising teenagers?

But our chats… I am not going to stop chatting with you, in fact I'd love to do so more and more and more. But… I think maybe the “subtle” hints we've sent each other so far have been adequate. You got your point across with Work Song. Hopefully I got mine across with First Time. I don't know if you've gone back to my Spotify profile since that night I pointed you to it, but in the next day or two I'll be making most of the playlists private. The coming months seem likely to be complicated enough. I'm going to love you out loud, yes… but it's going to be strictly platonic, until I have the freedom to do otherwise.

I love you. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but I know that I love you. I hope you know it. I hope you feel it. I hope you're secure in it enough to know that the love I'll be showing you for the next little while barely scratches the surface of how I truly feel.

See you soon, my love. At the shows. At the campgrounds. Around the ‘hood. I love you. I love you. I love you.

Yours,