Choosing Happiness

Today, and going forward, I am choosing happiness.

(this, by the way, is really just reaffirming my natural inclination, or at least how I was until two decades ago…)

So, what does that really mean for me?

Well, first and foremost, it does not mean that I'm suddenly happy with my current situation. Indeed, it means I'm choosing happiness in spite of it, and doing my best to choose happiness while also working to change it.

It means unabashedly doing the things that make me happy, even if it drives certain other people crazy.

It means I'm going to be doing my dumb little beer videos again, even though I get made fun of for them. Making them makes me happy, would do so even if you hadn't told me multiple times that you like them (even calling one aspect of them “genius”……… 🥰 sorry, my dear, I am so unused to receiving words of affirmation, you may find that my heart melts far, far too easily when you speak them to me…). I love trying to find a good song to match each beer (or, in the most recent case, a beer to match a song… yeah, it was a stretch, but most of them are). I love trying to find ways to increase the production value, even if just a tiny bit. Like my little turntable trick for the beer whose label wrapped around the can. Making those videos makes me happy. So I am choosing to continue making them, even as the person who is supposed to always be in my corner makes fun of them.

It means that, now that I feel a bit better about my body, and how I look overall, I am going to periodically buy myself some nice new clothes (well… within my fashion bounds, which admittedly are pretty limited, lol). And I'm just going to ignore it when I'm asked why, when I'm asked who I'm dressing for (the answer is me… I'm dressing nicer for me… though I do hope you enjoy it, too…). Do you know? Here's a thing that I never, ever saw coming: My oldest and I have become shopping buddies. It started with needing a destination for him to practice driving, but now we go to Target or H&M or wherever, and we help each other pick out clothes. And I love that, too. That makes me happy. So I'm going to just go on and keep doing it, regardless of what gets said to me about it.

(side note: would you be surprised to learn that Mr Thumbs-Down-to-Plaid now has a handful of plaid shirts and even a jacket? 🤷‍♂️ Teens.)

It means playing my bass more, maybe even doing more videos of that. This one has been more subtle, a gradual eroding away of my time to do so rather than outright insults or questioning. But the erosion has been happening, and I am reclaiming my time. Figuring out a tricky bit of some song that makes me think of you (or… even those few which don't…) makes me happy, so I'm going to do it more. Hearing my improvement over time in the recordings I take makes me happy. Just… playing my bass makes me happy, so I will be doing so more again.

Spending time with my old-yet-newfound friends makes me happy. Spending time with you makes me happy, even if it's always in the company of others. So I'm going to keep trying to make opportunities to do that, even as I'm asked why I'm so social all of a sudden. I have always been this social. I've wanted to be closer with all the people I've been spending more time with for as long as I've been here. The difference now is that I'm just making it happen, instead of letting others dictate who my friends are. I guess I've been doing this one for a little while now. Well, it makes me happy. So I'm going to keep doing it.

Just… Whenever there is a choice: should I do what makes me happy, or should I let myself get sucked down into the mire… I will be choosing happiness, every time. I won't always be perfect at it. Sometimes I'll get into a funk, but I will dig my way out of it.

I am, naturally, a happy and optimistic guy. I always have been. And I am not going to let those elements in my life who would try to make me otherwise win.

(And in some ways, I hope it drives certain of those elements nuts.)

And one of these days, that choice is going to set me free.

So, if you see me being happy, love… please celebrate it with me. Don't think it's a sign I've accepted my fate, or have settled in to get comfortable again. No. I'm choosing happiness for me. As part of this fight.

Choosing happiness is how I win.

I love you. I will be yours, soon. In so many ways I already am, my beautiful, sweet, high-vibing love.

And I guess this is me realizing… I love me again, for the first time in what might as well be forever.

I like it. It feels good. It makes me happy. So I'm going to keep on doing that, too.

Yours.