Heart Heart Head

I can't decide whether I should confess this to you yet or not… Well. Certainly not while you're off on an adventure with your family. Yeah, I do hope you'll miss me, but… I don't want to bother you. But it's on my mind today, so… we'll see.

I recently discovered the musician Meg Myers, through her almost ridiculously intense love/lust song Desire. I started listening through her catalog, and man… she has some really good ones, and they are all bound by an incredible intensity that feels soooooo familiar, except that most of them don't actually resonate with me, not for our situation, anyways.

But there is one. Before I go on, I'll say that my feelings for you have evolved soooo much over the years. The song resonates with me, true, but… mostly as a memory. If I had discovered this song a few years ago… well. It likely would have been my anthem.

The song? Heart Heart Head.

Swap the genders around, and this was me, during the summer of 2020. Very nearly every part of it. Yes, including the inarticulate screaming… Which I did. In my car. On solo drives that I took to get out. Everything was shut down for Covid, there was next to no escaping my family, I was still processing an event which took place between… her and me… a couple of years before. My feelings for you, which had always been inappropriate from the very first time we met, went from, I dunno, a tiny tad scandalous but mostly harmless to “holy shit, I'm in the wrong life”. Almost overnight. I did not know how to handle it. Conflicted. Confused. Certain of the wrongness of it, however badly I may have been wronged over the decades.

And absolutely certain that there was never a chance in hell you returned the feelings, anyways. Even though every time our eyes met, it felt like we had lit a firestorm that would consume the entire world. I mean, I'm ok I guess. Just handsome enough, just nice enough… But you… Sweetheart, from day one you were the most amazing, beautiful person in my entire world. What could you possibly want with a broken little thing like me? And so friendly. NGL, babe… I absolutely fucking adore how friendly you are, that's one of the first things about you that I fell in love with, but holy shit was it confusing in those early days. Were you actually being more friendly toward me than normal? Heck, I still don't even really know the answer, even if so much else has changed since then, lol.

So. Yeah. I would tell the fam I was going to the hardware store or wherever I thought no one would want to go with me to, grab my mask, then just drive circles around town, mostly listening to Johnny Cash's version of Hurt or Violent Femme's Promise, and periodically screaming incoherent nothings into the void of my car.

You were in my heart and my head. Had been for nearly a decade, but… controlled. Controllable. I could go whole entire days without thinking of you. Weeks, even, honestly. But then suddenly you were there all the time. And there seemed to be absolutely fuck all I could do about it. So… yeah. Heart Heart Head would have resonated deeply with me, had I discovered it back then. Clearly on some level it still does, as I sit here and write this letter, though it is so different now.

Now. Now I know a couple of things. I know that the reason you slid so effortlessly into my heart and my head is because you belong there. I dropped the twin flames stuff nearly as quickly as I picked it up, but there is something to the idea that you and I are made for each other. I have never in my entire life been happier than times I've sat talking to you over a campfire, or on my front porch while you gave my dog scritches. We may not be a single soul torn asunder and finally reuniting, but we fit.

And I know now that you do love me, too. Oh, the details are still murky. We've never talked about it, so I don't know what you want to do about it, or if you even know the answer to that yourself. But I know that you do. And I know that your love for me is intense. Very possibly matching my own love for you.

Took me long enough. I've got a friend who has told me I must be super extra dense when it comes to romance. “A,” she said, “you should have known it from the very first time she gave you one of those over-the-shoulder smiles you go on about. It felt alluring because it was meant to. She's stacking up all of your favorite parts of her so that they're all visible all at once. Dude. Wake up.” lol. Maybe.

Side note: you hadn't given me one of those in a looooooong time, but last night, whether you meant to or not, you snuck one in… and gosh. Yes. It was so, soooo frickin' alluring… sigh

Anyways. Point is. Heart Heart Head. You are still in my heart and in my head. You always will be, no matter what happens between us. I love you. I will always love you. And the intensity of that love has only ever grown, ever since that very first day we met (…I think the fall chili cook-off of 2011 is a pretty solid guess…). But the way I handle it all has changed, drastically. I haven't screamed at the inside of my car in years. Which, on balance, is probably a good thing.

But, man, that song.

sigh

God, I can't wait to get to tell you all of this for real. I've held so much for so long. I need to be vulnerable to someone, and unlike…………… I trust you.

You're in my heart, in my heart, in my head…

And that's exactly where you belong.

I love you.

Yours.