Practice

Love…

I want so badly to open up to you, be vulnerable with you, to always communicate with you openly and freely about how we're both feeling about anything, anything at all…

But… I've got a lot of experience bottling things. A lot of experience shutting down instead of opening up. A lot of experience protecting my heart.

I know implicitly that, when we get there, I will be able to trust you, with everything. And I will do everything in my power to be the person that you trust, with everything. But, I have an awful lot of learned behaviors that I'm going to need to unlearn…

And I was thinking about that, after watching this video about how narcissistic relationships ruin your communications skills. And about these letters that I write to you. And, I'm not saying that I'm not still going to need to work on opening up to you, when I'm able to do so in the real world… I'm sure, as sweet and as caring as I know that you are, that it's still going to be a little bit scary for me. But I think… I think maybe these letters have been practice. Yeah, most of them have just been blasting my love and lust in your general direction in some hopes getting it off my chest might help somehow… but, I've written about the hurt, sometimes, too. I've written, at various times, fairly broad samplings of my emotions. It is absolutely not the same as getting to talk to you about them in the real world, but… well, as I said… I hope it's been practice. I hope, because of these letters, that when we get there, I will be closer to where I want to be, in terms of being able to communicate with you, than I would have been otherwise. Maybe.

Or maybe it's just another excuse to justify this outlet, lol.

Regardless, I already know that you'll be my “safe space, my cozy corner”. Any obstacle to that will be in me, not in you. But I also want you to know… I wouldn't dare presume that you lack a safe space, a cozy corner… but if you do… I will do everything in my power to be that for you. And you likely know by now that I am patient… if it takes you time, too.

I love you, my star.

Yours.