Resources

I just wanted to link to a handful of videos that have helped me understand my current situation, in case anyone out there might find themselves similarly stuck. I struggled, for a very long time, understanding why I had felt so empty for so long. Why any expression of emotion, positive or negative, got stamped out. Why my pleas to improve things seemed to fall on deaf ears (side note: it's easy to say a thing is “going well” when you only hear what you want and you don't make any attempt to put in the assigned work…). Fuck, why I tried so damned hard to fix things after she had an affair — which I now regret, daily. Why I still feel so stuck.

A lot of these videos speak to narcissistic abuse (for what it's worth, I didn't really think that I was dealing with narcissism until I learned about covert/vulnerable narcissism a few months ago), but they really apply to many unhealthy, antagonistic patterns. So, even if you don't believe your person is a narcissist, the concepts may still apply.

Anyways, in no particular order, except I guess I'll start with this one since it was sent to me by a friend, and it made so much sense, sending me down the path leading to better understanding my situation: What is “intimacy avoidance”?. Seriously… nearly every single word made one piece or another click into place. I have been living in an intimacy wasteland, have done so for longer than I've been a parent… Heck, as my understanding of true intimacy grows (in part thanks to the thing we're doing that is “going well”), I also realize that may have been true almost since the very beginning… no handholding was ever allowed… no eye contact allowed… words of love have always been declared cheesy, and yes… not allowed. And on and on and on. Anyways.

I hate the clickbaity title, but this person does make a good point, and this is a very good, succinct explanation of reactive abuse: Reactive Abuse isn't real IMO.

Why I've become an expert at walking on eggshells (in my case, basically by just holding everything in — until recently, at any rate): What is “narcissistic injury”?

Everything is always my fault: Blame Shifting.

This helped me see that the provocation is often intentional, because she wants the fight: Narcissists intentionally trigger you. Specifically the part about expressing emotions (any emotions), and bargaining.

I'm agreeable, right? The most unassuming man my beloved has ever met, from what I hear. Most of that is natural, but… that may not be the entire story: The Agreeableness Paradox.

There have been so many more, but this list is aleady stupid long. But I'll leave with one last one: Why do so many people in narcissistic relationships think they are the narcissist?. I have actually struggled with this. I mean, for me to think that I might even begin to deserve to be with the single most beautiful woman in the world… But, no. Yeah, I want a stable, loving relationship with a person who actually offers, you know, actual freaking love. But So. Does. Everybody. That doesn't make me a narcissist. I have empathy. I have self-regulation. Fuck, I have enough self-control that I've kept my junk in my pants for FOUR (TWELVE) FUCKING YEARS. But anyways. This video helped with that, too.

Well, one more. This one is really long, lol. But if you want to know what is missing from my current situation… well. This, right here, is a 100% accurate description: Relationship MUSTS that narcissists NEVER do.

Anyways. Good luck, friends. This sucks. It truly does. But, hopefully knowledge is power and all that. And I wish all of you the best of luck, whatever your circumstances!