Reflections

Been reflecting a bit on this journey we've been on, babe. I was going back, looking through some of my old letters for you, and I kinda wanted to remind you of one I wrote a long time ago. I remember, it represented a turning point for me, where something in my heart pivoted into a much more positive stance. Oh, I haven't been perfect since then (…let's just pretend the Great Tantrum of ‘23 never occurred, shall we? ahem…), but it reflects a new outlook I had found… and every single last word of it is still true to this day, and I can't even imagine that ever stopping. So, here we go…

Automatic — January 6, 2022

Breathe.

Just, breathe. In. Out.

Easy, right? You were born to do it. Your body does it automatically. If you try to stop, your body will force you to do it anyways. It's a constant in your life. You're always breathing, whether you think about it or not. Inhaling. Exhaling. Inhaling. Exhaling. Simple. Automatic. And absolutely essential.

That is how I've come to love you. Easily. Like I was born to do it. Automatically. I couldn't stop if I tried. Even when you're absent, which is sadly most of my life, it's a constant. I am always loving you, whether I'm thinking about it or not. Taking you in. Breathing you out. Inhaling. Exhaling. Simple. Automatic. And absolutely essential.

I used to be troubled that this love can only be from afar. Ok, fine. I'm still troubled that this love can only be from afar. But I've also realized that, since I'm going to love you anyways, I might as well celebrate it, no matter how impossible it may seem. Love is precious, to be cherished. Especially when it's so… fundamental. Foundational. An amazing future could be built on this love, had it happened at a different point in both of our lives. Maybe it still can, we'll have to see.

Either way, it isn't going anywhere. So now I try to make the best of it. Use it to fuel my other passions, my creativity. Draw from it while working on improving myself. And, as I said before, celebrate it. Because, like you, it is beautiful. Like you, it makes this world a better place. Like you, it is something to be cherished, savored, and enjoyed.

And automatic. Like I was born to do it.

Perhaps I was.

While I've known for a long time that we were only ever going to get closer, if you had told me even a few months ago that we'd be taking walks together, having our little therapy sessions, talking about the kids and other stuff that's stressing us out… I'm not sure I'd have believed you. But, I love it! Oh, I still want more, I will always want more, right up until we're having these conversations, just the two of us, sitting on the couch together, or at a café, or while snuggling against the cold in bed (and then I'm sure I'll still somehow want even more… god, I can't even imagine ever getting enough of you…)… But, for now, given the situation, it's amazing. And I love that we can talk about the hard things, just as readily as we talk about the fun things.

I love you, my sweet babe… you're the star that fills my sky, and I will always turn towards you, soaking in as much of your love as my soul and body can take. I appreciate you, for being in my life, for being so patient with the situation, for your fantastic advice, for being you, for… everything.

I love you.

I am yours.