Introspective Restrospective

So, on the whole “I might be demisexual” thing, let's take a look at an example that you and I are both very familiar with: you.

I've said it a million times: I've thought you were remarkably beautiful from the very first time I ever saw you. And I sensed the potential for connection and started having a bit of a crush on you probably the first time I ever talked to you. But then we went, what? Seven years? Eight? Being acquainted with you, knowing I liked you a bit too much, being amazed by your beauty each and every time I saw you… but — and I'm sorry — but without even once thinking of you in a sexual context. The thought just never even crossed my mind.

Until, one day, when it did.

I couldn't tell you exactly when that was, but I do know it was sometime after I realized that my crush on you had mushroomed into something far, far greater. Not until at least a few months after you added me as a friend on Facebook.

But I do remember exactly when I realized how ridiculously powerful a force my attraction to you had become.

Ready for story time?

The night of my kid's birthday party. Towards the end, you came walking into my backyard, in the glow of those tiki torches, to collect your own kids…

No, that wasn't the moment, though it was pivotal… My heart swelled when you saw me, and that smile, my gosh that beautiful, sweet, perfect smile suddenly appeared, outshining all those torches by a millionfold…

You and I talked, and everyone else just seemed to melt away for a while. It wasn't the first time we'd gotten to chat — far from it. But it was the first time, for just the two of us, since I realized that I had gone way out over that edge… the first time since I recognized that my hold on that tiger's tail had long since slipped (though, gosh… I know I've brought this up, too, but that one night in my car… sigh. I don't remember exactly when that was, but I think it was sometime shortly after my world had been shattered, but before I had really started to understand… and I was close, so close. My head buzzed for days after that night…). And, like always, we just talked about the normal things… Though, I guess you did tell me about a gift you had been made to return (I've been in that same boat, fwiw). Then, when it was finally time for you to go, you told me not to worry about putting your folding chair back into its bag… I don't remember for sure but, knowing me, I probably did it anyways.

To me, that was truly the most magical 15-20 minutes. But that still wasn't what did it.

Later that night — much later — I was restless, not really having much luck sleeping. Finally, sometime around 2am, I broke down and picked up my phone and loaded up Facebook… and discovered that you had hit “like” on a month-old post of mine. It didn't matter that the post was a photo of the new dishwasher I had installed. It didn't matter that I know the algorithm has chosen not to show me things friends have posted until days or weeks later, and so you may have just been seeing it for the first time. That was it. That little blue thumbs up…

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it, but that little blue thumbs up aroused me more than I believe I had been to that point in years. Very possibly a decade or more. Ok, fine, the events of earlier in the evening no doubt contributed, too. But, seriously… that was… it was… I was…

Gosh.

And, the thing of it is? In the years since?

That moment has proven to just be a drop in the bucket.

Once my love for you unlocked my lust? Holy Christmas.

I mean, goodness gracious, you turn me on like nobody has ever done before.

Of course, babe, you are always gorgeous. But, every now and again, you'll put on something… and maybe it'll leave essentially nothing at all to the imagination about the exact shape of your perfect ass… or maybe it'll go the other way — a sweater, obscuring all of those perfect curves while simultaneously hinting at their presence… Something. I couldn't even tell you exactly what will trigger it, but… You'll walk on by and give me that beautiful smile and a sweet little wave… and then you'll wag that thing of yours on down the street, dropping a 50 megaton sugar sex bomb straight into the heart of my libido, leaving me dumbfounded and drooling…

But I think I've lost the thread a bit here… this was supposed to be an exploration of how, despite knowing you now for over a decade, and having found you ridiculously attractive for that entire time, the thought of sex with you had never crossed my mind until my heart plunged headfirst into those perfect green eyes… Not sure how I let it devolve into a treatise on just what an absurdly easy a time you have at turning me on now that it has…

So anyhow. Maybe that doesn't make me demisexual. Maybe all it makes me is slightly less of a creep than I could be, lol.

Anyways… not sure what all this introspection is about, but I hope you enjoy it!

Yours.

PS — I loved your hat tonight. So very cute. But I guess technically I coulda said that irl, huh? I mean, if you can compliment my jacket, I can compliment your hat. Hmm. Adding “pay compliments that I can get away with” to the list of things for me to get better at……