Through stormy seas…

Gotta be honest, babe… not quite sure how to feel right now…

Oh, don't get me wrong. I know that I love you. I know all the way down to the core of my bones that I adore and cherish you, and that you will, somehow, be my future.

But, just… I dunno. Everything else. Today's a day I've recently come to love. Tomorrow… well. Tomorrow is tomorrow, for now. The day after, I have no qualms about - it's gonna happen, whether I like it or not, so might as well celebrate it I suppose, right? I mean, I get to see you, and honestly that's all it takes to make it a good day in my books, so…

But, I dunno. Things are shifting, aren't they? And it's a good thing. It will be a good thing. But it's hard. The path is uncertain. And neither one of us has the comfort of shallow emotions…

I wonder sometimes, how it'll go down. If you freed yourself first, would you wait for me? God, I would desperately want you to, but… I would never ask it of you. You are a remarkable person, and you deserve the love of a person who can give it to you freely, without reservation or obstacle. I aim to be that person, some day, but…

I also wonder what you would think, if I freed myself, now, today, given things that you know. Would it lessen me in your eyes? Would it lessen me if I didn't? Don't get me wrong, I do things because they are what I think is best for me and those I care about… but, also, what I think is best for me is to get myself to you… so…

God. Why'd it have to be so complicated?

I hope you can see that my eye doesn't wander. I wasn't out there looking for something new, something fresh. I don't think I'm as good a person as you are… I mean, fine, I'll admit maybe I could have done more, but there comes a point where you realize you've been pouring every last ounce of yourself into bucket that's got a hole in the bottom… and once you see it, it's impossible to unsee… and if the owner of that bucket isn't even willing to acknowledge that the hole exists, but instead insists that you're simply not pouring enough, no matter how you ask, no matter how gently you try to mention it…

Shit. I dunno. I don't know where I'm going with this. I hate that it's so complicated. I hate it so much. I love you. You love me. Why isn't that enough?!

sigh

I know, babe… I know. We're going to get there. I've said it myself a hundred times, and I'm going to keep saying it, because I believe it to be true. Every cell in my body knows that it is true. Why else would the universe have put us so close to each other?

Must've been fate, as you've said a few times now. I know it was. I know it will be. Just… gotta get through these stormy seas, first.

Well, they say nothing worthwhile is easy. And I can't imagine anything more worthwhile than you. So. There you have it.

Love you, babe. To the moon and back. More than a few times.

Yours.