From the Start, Always You

Baby, I need to you to know that I've felt you, from the very first words that left my fingertips… I felt you.

You know I'm a logic guy, but I think you also know I've got that childlike belief in magic that I've happily carried with me forward through my life.

And so I felt you. But did I know?

No. Not at all. There was always that voice, that little logical part of me that absolutely insists on being heard. A war within myself that just seemed to never quite resolve.

And then, of course, there is my friend… the one person I feel comfortable talking freely to about you, about us. The friend who has given me so much support over the years, so much advice (that I usually ignore, lol), who has always just wanted the best for me.

Who has absolutely no belief in magic whatsoever.

I can't blame her. She's just watching out for her friend. But the seeds of doubt (about magic — not about you!) have always been there. Just a little sprinkling of water from time to time…

But like that bishop's weed in the yard, I think it's finally been eradicated. My friend still insists on watering, but I think I've finally dug up all the rhizomes.

Still, though. Here I am. Here I have always been… except a couple times spent out in the wilderness.

I'm sorry about those times.

I never wanted to leave you standing in the dark. I never wanted you to have to wonder. I've loved you all of this time, consistently and always with the goal of getting closer to you in mind. And even then, I was still writing to you. There are letters that have never seen the outside of my laptop's screen. Letters I'll share with you one day.

Maybe I might even put some here, on days the words just won't come… (and actually… there's one I'd already been thinking about digging out… speaking of filth… ahem)

Funny thing, though… I always wanted you to find me. I've always sprinkled things in, small details, moments for you to recognize… but always here, not so much out there. But if I'm being real honest, I never felt like I was giving you enough out there, in the real world. But I always felt like you were giving to me. Dropping hints — heck, sometimes things that felt like bombs, at least until that logical side of my brain obnoxiously decided it was time to assert itself…

It’s going to be amazing looking back with you, when we can. I need you to know that I am absolutely aware of how complicated and how difficult this has been. My love for you has never once faltered… but my certainty in it being returned… well. That was harder.

And babe, I’m sorry if I ever hurt you. I’ve long been certain that I must have, though I wish it weren’t so. The thought of being a source of pain for you is devastating to me, though I know you’ve always forgiven me and given me grace. And I’ve done my best to return it.

When we do look back? When we sit down together to unpack it all? There is nothing you wouldn’t be forgiven for—no bad decision, no sidetrack, nothing that will ever be held against you or be a source of resentment. You won’t need forgiveness, because you already have it. No matter what that history holds.

But I can't help but wonder, sometimes… what does it say about me, that you saw the flaws long before I did? I had a ten year head start, and yet… I was blind to them. Not because they weren't there from the start… heck they weren't even hidden. I just… didn't see. Maybe, I wasn't looking. Not until I was hurt badly enough that my eyes shot open, and the landscape around me looked so unfamiliar. So… barren.

I'm a pretty smart guy, babe. Set me to a problem, and I usually solve it. But I'm not fast. It can take me a while, take me time to pick it apart, to examine every last detail, try and try again to disprove my theories, run thousands of little thought experiments — and sometimes real world ones. Until finally a new understanding starts to emerge.

And while the romantic in me wishes I could say that I remember every single interaction, every last word of every last conversation you and I have ever had… Sadly, I don't. And I don't know what I may have said or done in those earlier days, while I was still processing, while I was still denying the truth to myself. During that one time in my life that my usual optimism did not serve me…

If I ever failed to see you, if I ever made you feel less than, when my situation was so clearly flawed beyond repair…

I am sorry.

It was… a difficult process. To watch it all crumble down, with absolutely no power whatsoever to stop it? Only to eventually realize that “it” was actually a cage, always had been, a trap where all of my emotions and thoughts and feelings and energy went to die, completely shifting how I saw the entire past decade of my life, and the decisions made to lead me there…

It was difficult.

I don't say this as an excuse. I've said before that I've known there was a connection between us from the very start, and that is absolutely true. But it just never occurred to me, not until much later, that that connection might actually be bidirectional…

I am so, so sorry, my love.

But, I'm also so glad that we are where we are now. Are we in each others arms? No… not yet. But we will be. It's gonna suck, have no doubt. You probably don't want to think about what I'm going to have to fight through, and I sure don't want to think about what you will… But still, when we take those stands, when we make that push… We'll be doing it knowing we have each other's back.

And that's going to make all the difference in the world.

I love you, babe. And my dreams tell me that I always have. And my heart tells me that I always will.

And I am yours.