Staring into the storm.

Baby…

First of all, thank you for the invitation to walk… thank you for laughing at my dumb jokes… thank you for agreeing that I'm an idiot for sticking my head out the front door during a storm… thank you, baby, for the grace. I'm not at all sure I deserve it.

Part of me thinks I should leave well enough alone… we’re already drawing closer again, even if it’s just in little steps. But, still…

I know this sounds like a contradiction, but the part of me that doesn't want me to go back here is the same part of me that makes me go and read and re-read certain of the letters I write you… obsessively searching for what I'm saying wrong. Which part is going to make you angry. Which part is going to hit you the wrong way. Which parts you could use……

But, no. That's my old patterns. I need to move past them.

So I wanted to make a clarification.

Which. Ok. Might also be one of the old patterns, but baby… It's important.

When I wrote that you pressed some of my bruises, and then I pressed on some of yours in return… I didn't mean that I did so in retaliation. I promise, baby… I do not operate like that. I genuinely thought that I was doing what you wanted me to do. But it's not because of anything you did wrong. It's not because you said anything that you could have possibly predicted I would take the way I did.

When that happened… It wasn't an attempt to get back at you… it was a misunderstanding. Based on some of my own… stuff.

And I just don't think I made that clear enough earlier. And I'm not sure I've made clear enough how incredibly sorry I am for it… Gosh, I hate what I put you through…

Babe. I don't want you to think I'd do it on purpose. Because I wouldn't. Baby, I couldn't. Not in a million years.

I know you see so much. Noticing things that a lot of people miss. But I still worry I left that part too fuzzy. And it matters so much to me because I suspect some of our hurts come from nearly the same place. Baby, I know well what it feels like for love to be a transaction. And that's not what I want for us.

I love you baby. I'm here for you. And I promise to always be, to the absolute best of my ability. And now that I'm done being an idiot, I won't ever leave you standing in those woods alone again.

Good night, my sweet love. I hope you get some rest, get your body clock back on track, and find some peace.

Love you,
Me