Soooooooo… Recently I've dug up a few old letters from the archives from when I was out in the wilderness, ones that had never seen the light of day.

This is not one of those letters.

Indeed… This, right here, is my most upvoted reddit post of all time, from any account. By, like, a lot. But it's from a few years ago… from when I was first starting to let myself explore the physical side of this thing… Beyond kissing and holding you, I mean. Back then… Well. It's not that I held back (I don't do things by half measures, as my friend likes to tell me AND this intro demonstrates clearly…). But I guess I was in… uh… a mood one night, and… well. I suppose you could say I laid it all bare…

Oh. And, honey. Nothing has changed in that time, not about how I feel or what I wanna do. Except grown. It's definitely grown. More than I knew it could.

Ahem. Anyhow.

But I figured I'd trot it back out, since the original has long since been deleted. For posterity's sake, you know. Because this definitely needs to be remembered, forever.

So, without further ado, let’s take a little stroll down memory lane. And if you need to find a table to brace yourself against before we start… well. Consider this your warning.

So.

Here.

We.

Goooooooooooooo!

---

My God, Your Ass

(yes… that was me. and yes, I want to do this, if you're up for it. god. so much. you have no fuckin' clue)

Look.

I am an ass man. I love a fine ass. You have a fine ass. No, strike that. You have the fine ass. The ass which defines “fine”. On Urban Dictionary dot com, under “fine ass”, they've got a photo of yours, wrapped up in those tight, tight shorts you sometimes wear.

That ass.

That ass keeps me up, all night long.

Up.

All night.

Long.

Look.

I don't know if you're into this stuff, and if you're not then that's fine and dandy, I can make do. But. But. If you're down.

Woman.

I want to lie you on your belly and just… touch those cheeks. Need your sciatic nerve massaged? I'm there.

I want to kiss that ass, top to bottom, side to side. Run my tongue down your spine to just the top of that beautiful crack.

Grab a handful in each hand and spread them wide, revealing the magnificence which lies between.

Is it possible for an asshole to be beautiful?

Yes. Yes it is. And yours? I have no doubt is as beautiful as they come.

Remember me taking my tongue down your spine? Now I'mma gonna do it again, except I'm not stopping at your tailbone, no ma'am. This time it's the non-stop express to starfishtown. Good god almighty, I'm excited already.

I'm not just going to lick your asshole. I'm going to push it, suck it, make absolute love to it with my mouth.

Relax. Push. Let me in.

Reach back. Grab my hair. Make it impossible for me to come up for air.

Let me hear the sound of drip… drip… dripping onto the bed beneath you.

Oh, it's not enough babe, I know, I know, I wish it were but it gets you so close, so very close.

But god I want you to finish, I want to feel you bucking against my face, so if you need to, sweetheart, if it helps, let go of me — don't worry, I'm not going anywhere — then reach down, reach between those ridiculous thighs.

Do what you need to do, while I do what I need to do, to you.

Let me feel how it moves beneath my tongue as your body shakes, lips pressed around it.

Gosh.

Then, when the quivering finally settles down, let me give your cheek a little smack before you roll over and kiss me, deeply, before lying on your side.

I'll gather you up in a spoon, my hand cupping a breast, and hard as I have ever, ever been, press against you…

Relax. Push. Let me in.

A gasp, a small moan.

And in no time at all, it's my turn to quiver, to shake, to lose all control.

Good god woman.

I am so in love with you.

---

OH. And before I forget… someone left me one of my favorite comments I've ever received on any letter ever: “I'd tune in to the State of the Union address if it read like this…”. Well. I couldn't leave that alone… so. Here was my very dull and boring response. Enjoy! 😘

---

Madam Speaker, Madam Vice President, our First Lady and Second Gentleman. Members of Congress and the Cabinet. Justices of the Supreme Court. My fellow Americans.

Two years ago, our nation was in disarray. Covid 19 was sweeping through our cities and towns. Everyone was keeping six feet apart. No one was licking anyone's asses.

Today, thanks to the amazing work of our best and brightest minds, multiple Covid 19 vaccines have been developed, allowing us to return to life as normal. Masks are no longer needed in many situations. Folks are returning to work, kids are returning to schools. Our long neglected assholes have once again begun to receive the attention they deserve.

Just this morning, I myself bent my loving partner over the dining room table, lifted up her skirt, and buried my face between her cheeks. And let me tell you, my fellow Americans, her face brightened when my tongue pushed against her starfish. It seemed futile, at first. But after only a few moments her asshole relaxed and opened up, just a bit, just enough to admit the tip of my tongue. It was a glorious moment, and I will take it as a sign that brighter days are indeed ahead.

But, we aren't out of the woods yet! To bring about that future, I'm going to ask all of you to do your part. Whether you are a man, woman, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, transgender… Whatever your pronouns may be, whoever you love, spread those cheeks. Let your partner give that starfish the attention it so desperately needs.

Our future depends on it.

I believe in you, I believe in America, one America, rimming our way into the shining future.

May god bless you all. May god bless our troops. May god bless the buttlickers and buttlickees.

Goodnight.