The letter I shouldn't write (And you definitely shouldn't read…)

Yeah, I see it…

Someone is making an effort.

Well, for whatever it's worth… you've already gotten more than I've ever gotten from mine. My asks are always—have always been—flipped over onto their heads and turned into my failings. But anyways…

(side note here… you once referred to obstacles as potential perks… I was a bit surprised to realize what you likely meant, but not taken aback… but… maybe just as a means to an end? But not viable long term, because… well by now maybe you're starting to see why… maybe this letter will help you see more…)

Well, I know you've mentioned the potential for counseling in your future… I don't know whether or not you've gotten him to take that step, and I know our trials are not identical, but…

Let me share with you a little bit about my experience going down that road.

I probably should've told you this a long time ago, but… you know… I tend to steer clear of writing about that side of things, for all sorts of reasons, both good and bad. But, here…

I don't know if you've been told, but we stopped going months ago. She decided she had gotten what she wanted… and I realized all the dangers I'd read about going into it with someone like her were real.

I won't go into the bloody details, but I'll just say…

Even though I laid everything out for our counselor in a 1:1 session right at the beginning… told her about my lack of emotional safety, told her about the betrayals big and small… Even though the couselor used phrases like “walking on eggshells” and “death by a million cuts” and was shocked that I had even attempted to continue the relationship after her affair eight-or-so years ago…

During the couples sessions? Any time I tried to raise any of my issues, the things I'm lacking, the ways I am made to feel small, meaningless, unwanted, unloved…

By the end of the session, always, every time, those were dropped, and we were talking about ways for me to take better care of her emotional state, how to offer her more emotional safety, how I could better cater to her wants and needs. Often at the expense of the very feelings I had just shared.

To her credit, every now and again the counselor would make an attempt to steer things back to my needs, to how I was affected.

But it never lasted.

And those needs were never, ever addressed. Not even once, over the 6-8 months we were going.

Instead, I learned how to better walk on her eggshells. How to better swallow my own emotions in favor of hers. To go back into the empty shell I'd been inhabiting for the past decade or more, and was only just starting to try to venture out of.

Oh, don't me wrong. I'll venture out of it again. She's started realizing she needs stronger bars on my cage — as I'm sure you've noted.

(don't for a moment believe that anything has been done for him… the poor man is just another pawn in her game. I know you might be skeptical that it's that bad, but baby… it is)

Fortunately, some of those bars turned out to be too much ever for her to take.

But she is an expert manipulator. That she was able to sway our counselor so quickly so often is more evidence of that.

But I've gotten stronger. I've started learning to trust my own memory and see through the gaslighting. This train will be turned around.

Just as I'm sure yours will be.

But I also know how hard it can be.

So I'm patient. I'll be here, chipping away at my cell, just as I'm certain you continue to do to yours…

But I just… wanted you to be aware of how those sessions went. As a bit of a warning. Just… in case you needed to know.

Love you, sweet thing.

Yours.