In it, but always yours.

Baby, only read this if you're ready for a couple of your friend meters to dip today…

I thought about just not even posting it, but… I dunno. You and I both have agency, whether we always allow ourselves to make use of it or not. You can choose to read it, or choose not to. I want you to know these things, but it's really up to you when and how you learn it. But this stuff was weighing on my heart this morning. And I just… needed an outlet…

If you read or not, just know… It's not you. It's not us. You and me? We're good. I'ma love you forever, with my whole heart and body and soul. Even when I'm down. Especially when I'm down… Anyhow.

Tried to escape for a bit this morning… just a quick errand, 20, 30 minutes tops. Just… out, away. Somewhere I can breathe. One last breath before the house is completely overflowing for days…

Someone decided to tag along. Because of course she did. This was basically my experience during covid: Have a desperate need for just five minutes to myself… make some excuse to leave the house… “Oh, I'm coming with you!” Fuck.

But we were walking around Target this morning and it hit me, and not for the first time…

I have got to be radiating “over this” energy by now. I mean, the resentment levels are at a peak never seen before. There is no way it's not visible to anyone paying attention.

And yet.

Of course, that's one of the problems, isn't it? One of the big ones.

My emotional state—fuck, no, my state, entire—only matters when it's negatively affecting hers.

This wasn't a new realization, but a reminder. I remember when it first really hit me… as the cracks were really starting to become visible…

There were a few months during the Covid shutdowns where I was lowercase-d depressed. Environmental, not chemical. And at some point, it was raised that I was not doing the things I usually do to keep someone happy. I pointed out how I'd been feeling, mentioned that I had even stopped crossing bridges while out on my jogs, and why (Don't worry, babe… just some passing clouds. The thought came and went, and never returned.)… And I still remember what she said, word for word: “Well, fix it so you can make me happy again.”

Fix it. So I can make her happy again. That was the full extent of the empathy I received.

This came up, by the way, in counseling. She apologized (hah) and said “I don't know what to say when someone hits me with something like that.” Which… fair enough. Most of us don't. Problem is she said exactly what she wanted to say. But our counselor said she had raised a fair point. I thought “there's a difference between being unsure of what to say and completely dismissing the person opening up to you“, but I was a goddamned chicken, and I just let it drop.

Baby. I tell you I'll be strong for you, and I think you would like that, but babe…

I can't even stand up to this woman who barely reaches my shoulders.

How am I supposed to give you what you crave if I can't even do that?

You deserve someone who can draw lines in the sand when he needs to. Who knows where his strength lies. And I’m trying, baby, but…

How can I be strong for you if I keep hiding behind excuses, like “Oh, I'm so empathetic and it's soooo hard for me to hurt other people…” or “How can I leave her with essentially no income, can my own really keep roofs over both of our heads?” or “And what about the situation with her parents, could she really face it alone?” even though I know full well she would never have half of those considerations for me…

Even when I have everything I have ever wanted ever in my life gazing back at me from behind those perfect sea greens…

And I realize the truth:

I'm just scared.

Scared of… what? Being alone? God no, I crave that at this point. Oh, don't get me wrong… I crave being with you even more, but… A life lived on my own would be a massive improvement over this, no matter what… And yet…

So what? What do I fear?

That she'll find some new way to hurt me? That's guaranteed. Some new way to twist my words around to the point they have no meaning anymore?

That I will fail?

Again?

sigh

Maybe it really is just a pipe dream, babe.
Maybe I deserve what I have, and nothing more.

sigh

I guess I'm just tired. Again—not by this! Not by us. Not by you. But lately I can scarcely even get myself to do the things I need to do to try to be appealing for y… I mean… make sure I'm around for you for a long, long time…

(…though… I have been told—plain as day—that if I gained too much weight again, I'd be much easier to leave behind………)

Well… if you've made it this far… don't worry about me, babe. I'll be good.
Just.

In it today.

Love you, always, regardless.

Yours.

PS—I miss you.